((Uhm. So this is a really vulnerable post, but I think that how much it means to me is worth however uncomfortable I am with it.))
I also made a little...picture-poem to go with the post ♥
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Over the past month and a bit, I've learned a lot about myself.
Maybe the more ugly parts of myself that I'd rather not reveal.
To me, I guess I do think of myself as a 'good' person. I do try to be as kind, caring, understanding, positive and a friend to everyone I know. I am also what many people call a 'people-pleaser', so yes - I do try to make others happy, honestly because it makes me happy in return :')
But that doesn't make me automatically the kind of person I want to be.
I've learned that I'm really...not as 'great' as I thought. Even though I try to be a good person, a lot of times my actions may have greater, unintended impacts than I think.
📍 I can be selfish.
I saw how I am more selfish and petty and inconsiderate than I would otherwise admit.
But precisely because I didn't see myself as that kind of person -- I didn't see when I do those exact things, because in my mind it's not something I'd do. But I think it's important to acknowledge that, yeah - I'm not always the best version of myself. And neither is anyone always the best versions of themselves.
Allowing myself to see myself as selfish though, can also allow me to recognize when I might be that way, and with recognition also comes the power to choose otherwise.
📍 I lack a lot of self-confidence. I don't express too many personal opinions and thoughts, usually I like to hear other people's instead. I'm not very good at standing up for myself, in...a lot of different ways. Sometimes it's so present that people around me get frustrated; sometimes it's so subtle that only I know.
I used to always think that it's no big deal, it's just me not expressing myself, and it'd only be me who'd be affected anyway (haha - if I even am, because honestly speaking, usually it doesn't matter to me) -- but I have come to see pretty clearly how it can affect others in ways I wouldn't have thought, and definitely ways I wouldn't want to. And then that harm also eventually comes back to me too, so. Double the harm, really.
I'm working on it.
📍 I'm pretty stubborn. Well actually, not really, not in a lot of ways - I'm very easily convinced and persuaded LOL! But when it comes to values and the indescribable things that I stand for in my life, while I always respect and can support everyone's perspectives, I do hold on tightly to what feels like 'me'. And while some life lessons are indeed more efficient when taught by others, somehow I seem to rather the longer route - of learning them myself. As dumb as it sounds, it seems that I prefer to stumble and fall and get back up myself.
I perceive the world in, honestly, probably a pretty different way than others might. And despite my lack of self-confidence, yeah I guess I'm pretty stubborn in that way of thinking. I usually think to myself that if other people can understand me and how I see things, they'd understand. If people knew my intentions and my thought process, they'd get me.
But sometimes, I need to remember that this is probably what everyone feels :'P Duh, obviously. Everyone wants to feel understood :') Everyone is different, everyone is trying their best to live life as they know it and want it and simultaneously tackling everything that's coming their way, and people feel things in ways I can never imagine.
Meep.
I realize that wanting to be a good friend and actually being a good friend are pretty different. I realize that truly, only you know your situation the best, and a dozen outside eyes can't compare to the one within. I realize that each relationship with a person is different and only the people within it can know what it really means. Truly, incomparable.
I realize that sometimes when you try to avoid something, you can end up creating that very thing.
But I don't want this post to just be a sad one. Yes, sad things do happen --
There may be times when you see your friends drift away in front of your very eyes. There may be times when you find out you've hurt someone you love without knowing. There may be times when you just want everything to be okay again, but you know that it might never be.
In those times...honestly, I don't really know what to say. The only thing to know is that...you're human.
Look. Genuinity, humility, open-heartedness, wholeheartedness, vulnerability, repentance and love are not easily faked - it takes effort, energy and active willingness to show them.
What does a 'good' person even mean? Does it mean someone everyone likes? Does it mean someone who makes the world better in every way they can? Does it mean someone who makes everyone feel supported and valued? Does it mean someone who exemplifies certain characters we all universally recognize as 'good'?
Well, no. Because one thing for sure is - nobody can't be all of those at the same time. Literally, impossible. So to me, it's more so about balancing that in accordance to what you value and what you deem important. If there are 7,806,283,987 people in the world, that means that there are 7,806,283,987 versions of 'good' too.
But this post isn't about what a 'good' person means. This post is about the fact that no matter how 'good', there will also be parts that are not-so-good :/
Because yes, I do try to be a good person. But I'm human. I'm human and I make mistakes. I'm human and I can be selfish, I can be petty, I can hurt people even if I didn't intend to. Inevitably, I will mess up.
But if I do mess up, I want to own it. I want to acknowledge it, apologize for it, take responsibility for it, and actively work towards patching the harm.
Let me grow, let me learn, let me stumble and tumble and come back by your sides.
'Cuz I'm still me. ♥
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Thank you for reading this far, dear friend.
I am going to take some time off of social media for recharging, resetting, reflecting, and creating. I may not be on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc -- but you all know I'm always still here. If any of you need a friend, want to reach out, want a virtual hug with no questions asked, I'm still here. I'll still have Messenger, I'll still get texts, still call me if you need me, ya knowww -- hahahha basically, there are still plenty ways to reach me.
And hopefully I'll come back to a fresher start -- and be just a little closer to the kind of person I want to be. 😌
*hugs* see you soon, friends 💕
((((and yes! these are the pictures I took by myself when I went on a me-walk during quarantining times :')) they were quite a lot of fun to take ✨))))
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Here are two other me-quotes (hahhaa) that I've made~ 💜 They didn't make the cut to the main poem, but their truths are just as present and they exist on their own.
Much much love to y'all,
~ Wildheart 🐾
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